tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
