Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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