he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
