I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
