4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
