he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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