im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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