i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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