who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
