okay pat passed out under dana's car
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
