So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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