remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
