i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
