I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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