It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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