chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
worst night to have a conscience
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
