If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
