Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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