He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
