id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
