I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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