opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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