Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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