just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Holy sore nipples Batman
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
