True but thats because hes a fetus.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
