I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
