bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
