I want to walk on stilts...naked
You can't motorboat a personality
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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