Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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