I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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