On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
