woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
