Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
