That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
