i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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