I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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