after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
