my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
