At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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