she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
