i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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