Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
