Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
