Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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