just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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