the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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