I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
