And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
