dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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