Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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